"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."
--Romans 7:15 (RSV)
I just got back from the Blue Rocks game a little while ago, and for the 7th inning stretch, they asked women (nurses, I believe) who were there with the Breast Cancer Awareness promotion to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." They were very nervous because they weren;t sure they knew the words.
When I'm absolute dictator, being able to sing the chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" will be a requirement to be allowed to vote.
...all computer operating systems will come preinstalled with code that automatically replaces the words "Jimmy Carter" with "History's Greatest Monster."
When I'm absolute dictator, whoever was involved in the development and approval of the Lock Haven University ads will suffer painful deaths. That jingle is impossible to get out my head.
A constant problem around Wilmington is people parking their cars in the street blocking a lane of traffic. Especially galling is when they do they do with spots open just a few feet from where they park their cars in a traffic lane.
Union Street is notorious for this, especially during rush hour. I've seen it go from three lanes to one because peopel seem to think they have a God-given right to park wherever they want, regardless of the law and the inconvenience to others.
When I'm absolute dictator, cash payments will be given to those who ram these illegally parked cars from behind and the illegal parker will be made to pay for repairs to their cars and the car that rams them. Plus pay for a nice rental car to replace the ramming car while repairs are being made.
Furthermore, if the car is parking in such a manner when there are spots available, people will be encouraged to drive into the front of said cars as well, with the terms noted above still applying.
I would think it was an already accepted Man Law that there should be no talking in public men's rooms. (There can be an exception for a father with a young child with him, or when friends are alone.) I just started a new assignment and apparently men at this location don't know the rules.
My girlfriend will mock me because I sometimes absentmindedly start singing while washing my hands in her bathroom. This is weird enough, but just now at work, while I was using the facilities, another guy came in, singing quite loud. Sees me, asks how I was doing, and continues singing. He then turns on the faucet on one of the sinks, walks over to the urinal next to me (there are only two urinals in this bathroom), flushes it, unzips, puts his hands behind his back, and starts a conversation about the weather. (I can't escape because I'm in midstream.) I try to answer him curtly, but he keeps going with the conversation, flushing the urinal every few seconds. I finish as quickly as I can, and go to wash my hands. I notice that he's placed a cup under the running faucet which is now overflowing into the sink. I get out and shudder at the experience.
So, when I'm absolute dictator, talking to strangers in a men's room, in non-emergency cases, will punished by application of duct tape to the mouth on future bathroom visits.
Ryan's post reminded me of a Bad Thing I went through yesterday morning. This past weekend was the Annual Catholic Appeal, wherein we ask Catholics to support the operations of the diocese through contributions. I was the person at my parish responsible for leading people through the process of filling out their pledge cards during Mass.
Attending the 9:30 Mass (the family Mass), I was reminded why I don't usually attend the 9:30 Mass. Speaking directly into the microphone, I still couldn't hear myself at some points of the Mass due to noise of children, especially one baby who reminded me of nothing as much as Damien from "The Omen".
I'm convinced that if I am unfortunate enough to experience Hell, it will remind of the 9:30 Mass.
And when I'm Absolute Dictator, parents who make no effort to get a screaming child out of Mass until they're calm will be denied Communion.
Well, beat the drum and hold the phone - the sun came out today!
We're born again, there's new grass on the field.
A-roundin' third, and headed for home, it's a brown-eyed handsome man;
Anyone can understand the way I feel.
Oh, put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.
Well, I spent some time in the Mudville Nine, watchin' it from the bench;
You know I took some lumps when the Mighty Casey struck out.
So Say Hey Willie, tell Ty Cobb and Joe DiMaggio;
Don't say "it ain't so", you know the time is now.
Oh, put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.
Yeah! I got it, I got it!
Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes;
You know I think it's time to give this game a ride.
Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all - a moment in the sun;
(pop) It's gone and you can tell that one goodbye!
Oh, put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.
Oh, put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach - I'm ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.
Yeah!
-- "Centerfield" by John Fogerty
When I'm absolute dictator, Opening Day will be a national holiday.
1. Jimmy James was Deep Throat
2. Adam West was D.B. Cooper, and later went on to be elected Mayor of Quahog, Rhode Island
3. Earl Warren was a sleazy male stripper
And when I'm absolute dictator, they will be taught as true....
...a team of top scientists will be assigned to figure out why my doorbell rings whenever I run the water in the kitchen sink with the undercabinet lighting on.
...Bill Gates will be punched in the face each time a Windows application I'm not working in assumes primary focus on my computer.
Accoriding [sic] to [state police spokesman Cpl. Jeff] Whitmarsh, Ann Marie Pierson, 29, of Wilmington, was traveling I-95 northbound in a 2003 Ford Taurus in the right exit lane for Concord Pike. A 1997 Nissan Pathfinder, operated by Dennis Porter, 54, of Wilmington, was traveling in the center lane slightly behind the Taurus. Porter attempted to change lanes and hit the Pierson causing the Pathfinder to overturn. The Taurus came to rest approximately 150 feet north of the initial impact.
I drove by this accident on my way home last night. (Fortunately, I was going southbound so I wasn't affected by it.) It's amazing this doesn't happen more often. I deal with similar issues in the morning. What happens is the off ramp to 202 gets backed up. (Sometimes past the on-ramp from 10th street). So people who think they are too important to wait in line cut in further up in the line. Often, they have to wait to cut in, so they sit idling in the center lane, blocking that lane to traffic. This forces people to jump into the third, far-left, lane to travel, reducing I-95 through there to one lane. When it's really bad, we have people in the far-left lane jumping in there suddenly to get around people already waiting and blocking the middle lane to merge so they can merge further ahead.
If people used common sense, this stretch of road wouldn't be so dangerous. That might be a bit too much to ask of people, though.
When I'm absolute dictator, dividers will come up between these lanes so people can't cut in. In the meantime, perhaps DELDOT can look at changes in the light pattern on 202 to reduce the backup onto 95.
..."The Little Drummer Boy" will be permanently banned.
I hate that song.
...Michael Jackson will lose his ownership rights to his music and that of the Beatles so that I can buy some of the best music ever made without giving money to a pedophile.
...radio stations won't be allowed to play Christmas music until after Thanksgiving, and no station will be allowed to go to an all-Christmas music format until the weekend prior to Christmas.
Toys for Tots rejects talking Jesus dolls - CNN.com
Toys are donated to kids based on financial need and "we don't know anything about their background, their religious affiliations," said Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Virginia.
You'd think if any branch of government would have the balls to stand up for the obvious fact that CHRISTmas is about Christ, it would be the Marines, but I see even they have fallen to the lack of common sense prevalent in today's society.
When I'm absolute dictator...
...people will be free to acknowledge that CHRISTmas is about Christ.
it will be legal to slam on your brakes when someone's tailgating you. And the tailgater will be held responsible for damages.
I created a new category on my blog with the above title. It will mostly reflect things I'd love to see done that I know would never happen. It will mostly be whimsical, pointless things, but will sometimes hold rants.
The first entry in this category is:
When I'm absolute dictator...
....people won't be allowed to vote unless they know how many career home runs Babe Ruth hit.
